I read a lot. Its part of the profession. Its part of the personality. Its an ID Card. Its something I pride myself on. It is my unhealthy escape with unwelcome consequences. Reading gives me clarity like a pond undisturbed by wind or rain. It leaves me confused like muck in the gutter. I read complex things and get them. I look over at the covers of the books I’ve read and cannot recall what they taught me. I am scared when I read a good book. I fear loosing the words and their meanings after I’m through with them.
An addiction: To know more, to be more, to show more and to collect more.
I envy people with bigger libraries than my own. I am accustomed to my own library. Its a constant presence in the background, like the paint on the walls. I wouldn’t notice it unless I really want to. I miss it when I am away from it. Like the relationship that means nothing and everything to me. How did it end up here?
I shuffle through the new titles in the book store. Why am I looking for the ‘new’? Are there answers I am yet to find or do I dislike the answers I’ve already found? How is it that the search for answers has left me with more questions? Like for every point I make my level drops. Why not read the same thing again and again? Why not give it the opportunity to bring a meaningful change? Probably cause reading it again doesn’t count. I doesn’t up my numbers. It’s not the new thing. Some books are just trophies for display. Others are hard to digest. Not cause of their prowess. Words are easy. But change in the sense that matters is hard, uncomfortable and anxiety inducing.
A website asked me, ‘What is your reading goal for 2021?’. My answer, ‘to slow down’. The website wanted a number. It says the average answer is a 100. Will another 100 help? There is the possibility of a watercolor effect. I will learn some new stuff and there are the trophies of course. But will I change in the way that I think I will? The way I think I want to?
I suppose I’ll slow down this year. Take a breather. Read the same thing again and again . Maybe that will give me the courage to change. Maybe that’ll give me the space to change.
What Shivam Says 